Or it is if it involves Play.com anyway. Give me half and hour and I'll have spent £30. Which I seem to be doing quite regularly now. And now that H&M is available online I think it's fair to say I'm going to be quite broke on a monthly basis. Ooops.
Decided to bring this back up. Mainly because if I don't get out the rants that I have in my head then I will most likely explode. Plus I always said I wanted to write, but everytime I put on the computer I end up shopping. Which isn't helping anyone! Except maybe the savvy people who started these time sucking sites. Argh.
So, new look, new taglines and hopefully some new chat once I get my arse in gear.
But don't hold your breath.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thursday, September 3, 2009
meh
I am absolutely hopeless at keeping up with this thing. Even though I have had all the time in the world recently. You'd think that as a jobless hobo-bum I would use my down time creatively and finish writing tons of blogs that have been piling up in my head or start writing more chapters in the books I started. But no. I've sat about and procrastinated and watched tv and stared mindlessly at Facebook for months. In fairness I spent the rest of the time job hunting, but still; bad, bad hobo.
So I'm back from New York. For almost 4 months now. Bah. The last few months of the year were amazing and I was terrified of returning home. Then in the last 2 weeks I decided to do something I thought I'd never be able to do; run a 10k through Central Park as part of Tartan Week. Which was a great idea, in theory. I neglected to train properly due to all the other things I had going on in the run up to going home and the race quickly arrived on a dreary drizzly day. Blah. Which was perfectly reminiscent of home actually. Halfway round I felt something twang in my right thigh, but was too stubborn (i.e. stupid) to stop and kept jogging, albeit in extreme pain. By the end of the race I could barely move and burst into tears the minute I crossed the line. There was a mate waiting for me and he had to help me home as I couldn't walk. In the end it transpired that I had ruptured a tendon in my thigh and it left me on crutches.
Being this was in America, I was prescribed uber strong Vicodin tablets and managed to get hold of some crutches, but it left me housebound for the final week since all public transport involved masses of stairs and crowds. I couldn't even get to work. Cost me $70 each way on the one day I did get in to clear out my desk. Gutted doesn't even cover how I felt. Mainly because I was supposed to be going to Colorado for a week at the end of the internship to ride at a ranch. But since I couldn't walk, riding was out of the question too. Cue large arguement with the insurance company when I got home, since I had to book another earlier flight home and an exciting yet painful journey home. Ending with me being wheeled up to my parents in a wheelchair announcing that I was home. Not quite what I had in mind to be honest.
The one good thing that came out of this all I suppose is that the effort of hauling myself around on crutches for 6 weeks burned off alot of fat and calories which made a huge difference to my appearance. I came home to find I could fit into clothes that I was struggling to zip up before I left the UK, which was a complete shock. I've been trying to keep it off by eating healthily and not snacking as much, but even though I started off well, it seems to be falling by the wayside a bit as I can see it starting to pile back on again.
My leg has healed, enough that I can go running again and have taken up Step Aerobics (actually surprised my leg has supported me doing this) and hopefully will be able to ride soon (although thats more a cash flow issue than a injury one) which should help the cause. I just need to get myself a proper job and get myself out of this bored funk that I have fallen into and I think I will find my motivation. Come out, come out wherever you are!!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I don't get it... I really don't.
I seem to have had this shirt I am wearing for work today far to close to the wee smelly hangy thing in the closet and everytime i move an inch I get a whiff of cinnamonny appleness. Which may account for my constant hunger today. No chocolate or cookies all day! Woot!
Ok so you may have seen on my blogroll there is a link to the site 'The Amazing Adventures of DietGirl' which is written by a lovely woman called Shauna Reid. She is originally from Australia and is currently living in Edinburgh (which I will forgive her for not being Glasgow because it is still in Scotland). She used to weigh twice her body weight and has spent the last 6 years slimming her way down to a size 12. And she looks absolutely fan-flippin-tastic. I've read through most of her archives at one point and I keep up to date with her regular posts. It is quite inspiring to read about how she managed to lose the weight and how she keeps it off. She talks about how you can be all gung-ho one minute and the next you can't be arsed getting off the couch to do any exercise. Which appears to be my main downfall. I have said for the last few months that I was going to lose some weight, but it just hasn't happened. I did manage a good stint of going to the gym at least 3 times a week for 3 weeks for about an hour or so at a time. Which for me is pretty impressive. But I didn't see any immediate results.. well no! Of course not! But this is my problem, I want to see the difference immediatly or I give up and decide that there is no point in it all. Sigh.. which is why I am such a lump now.
Although I was going through one of her posts and she had uploaded some pictures showing her when she was out hillwalking with her husband. She put a note saying that the lumpy part on her stomach was in fact the rumpled waistband on her trews and not a roll of fat. I had to look VERY hard to even see this. She looked so thin! And then there is one further on with her sitting beside her husband when he is holding her friend's baby, she looks possibly fragile! But yet she still talks about how she gets random attacks of 'fat-fear' and feels she still has more to lose.
Mixed in with this though, is the realisation that she does look damn good, and she is happy with her body. Now this happens to me too, I can look in the mirror one day, and be like 'oooh, I'm not that bad, I actually look quite foxy' (see below) and then the next I will be moaning about the state of my body and want to go hide under my giant fluffy blanket and sweatpants. I think we all suffer from body dismorphia at some point, we never know if we look good enough for ourselves, we just continue to torture ourselves to try and fit the 'perfect ideal'. Stupid media.
My friend came out to spend Christmas with me, and I had forgotten just how good she looks and how damn skinny she is!! And I mean skinny in the slender, clothes hang properly and she looks frickin amazing in all outfits, way. I on the other hand are the lumpy dumpy companion. Which is why when we were out one night in a bar, the Steven Lynch song, 'Big Fat Friend' kept running through my head. hehe. Which just made me want to go up to guys who were eyeing her up and ask 'so who's your non-discriminating friend then, cos here I am!?'. Which probably noone would have got the reference for, but hey. I guess I hadn't really been paying proper attention to just how much I was letting myself go since I got here. I wasn't skinny by any means when we arrived, but I certainly was at least 1 or 2 sizes smaller, and I felt a lot happier about my appearance. I don't suppose you could ever describe me as confident, but I look back at pictures and think, damn it! Why couldn't I have appreciated that a little more! Grrr.
Again with the conflicting feelings as here comes the *shock**horror* revelation that some guys do actually find me attractive at this point. Although I suppose I could put that down to beer goggles, but I will attempt to plump my battered ego just a tiny bit and pretend it's not that. When we were in the bar on that first night, I got a phone number! Admittedly it was from a Brooklyn guy who told me he was a professional dancer turned cage-fighter, which makes me lean towards the beer goggles thing again, but it was still interest!
The next time we went out, my friend went to the bathroom, and every time she came back, there was a different guy sitting opposite me. 3 times! Which I couldn't quite understand, as I had finished the pitcher of beer, so they clearly weren't coming mooching for a free drink. So I ended up with a business card (lawyer no less) and some more interest. If I hadn't been so cross-eyed I would have been rolling them. Me? Apparently so. Hmm... this is a new development that I will have to witness a few more times before I believe it quite frankly. I am not the sort that attracts guys, I'm the wing-girl. I crack the stupid jokes, or mumble incoherently (yes, there was a waiter that was sooo hot that I failed to string a sentence together for the entire meal. SHAME!), or feels awkwardly defensive when I get a compliment, ending up with me frightening them away. So this has me in confuddlement. Oh well, perhaps it was just the bolster of having my best mate there to make me feel better that worked, so I guess the next 4 months will be just as empty as the first 8!! :)
And so the new year dawns and the weight loss attempts begin again. And no. It's not a New Years Resolution, because I just forget about them and then I never stick to them. This is just going to have to be a new way of life. Less cookies, chocolate and fatty dinners. Healthy grub and plenty of water, interspersed with regular visits to the gym or runs round the marina. Maybe I wil improve my body a little to make me happy, or maybe I will just feel better about myself in general when I can run a few laps without getting puggled.
Guess we'll see.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
New Year, New You....
2009…. What can I say? If I thought 2008 was going to be the year of new beginnings, then I guess 2009 is the year of maintenance. I’ve made some big steps and I’ve taken some very little slides backwards. I just need to make sure that I stay put this time. No more skiting back to the depths of despair or the puddle of discontentment should I say. I’m far happier than I have been in a long, long time and I intend to keep it that way. There are many factors contributing to this, but I know there is one main one that has been hanging over me for too long and I’m working my very best to banish it.
I took a look at the blog I wrote this time last year, and I was saying most of these things then too. Although I still had a way to go back then.
“2007 is over and done with... finally!! I have to say, I was looking forward to the New Year this time more than ever before. I think 2007 has been one of the suckiest periods of my life in some ways, and yet in others it has been fairly enlightening.I've experienced a hell of a lot of ups and downs this past year, and although a lot of the time was spent in the down category, I think it has made me really look inside myself and see who I am and what I want to do with my life. For most of my existence I have been this weak little push over, and I say this with utter certainty, who has only been interested in making sure that people like her and never got angry with her. And that person never really got very far in life. That person just got bullied, manipulated and messed about. A lot of that was my own fault, for letting it happen in the first place, and then letting it carry on, well into adulthood. I don't think I ever felt I had moved on since school, and this was just making me feel trapped in this vortex where I could see all of this going on, but couldn't change a thing. In reality I was perfectly capable of changing everything, but the underlying fear that this new person wouldn't be able to cut it stopped any transformation.”
Now for those that I have already spoken to about this, I know I have already admitted that I am still fairly messed up about it, but I want to take the giant leap and put it far, far behind me. Like one of those skipping stones you fling across a loch.. Bounce… bounce… bounce… bye bye!
“ I can't honestly say what it was that suddenly made me snap out of it. Something just cleared in my mind and I realised that I was already 22 and had done nothing in my life. I wasn't anyone that stood out or someone that anyone wanted to be like, and I certainly detested the meek little person that I had reverted to. I could count you a million times where my best friend bolstered me and told me that I was wonderful, but I think it takes the light inside of you to be switched on before you start to believe it yourself. So I guess 2007 was the year when I started to climb out from behind the mask I had created for myself and wipe the slate clean.
Can't say that I have made a fabulous job of it so far... had a few knock backs and some periods where I wondered what the point was. But for every one of those, there was something that kept me going. And this is where the awful mushy marshmallowy fluff bit comes in. But it’s true that the 3 people who have been there for me throughout my various blah moments and my truly scary ones are the people who are still here now. Without them my life would be much duller than it is and the world would be missing out on a whole bunch of wackiness!! I had forgotten how much fun it is to weird people out in public! So I know I have told you guys all this before, but I just wanted to say thanks again for being there through everything.”
Again most of that part is true. These people were still there for me, encouraging me, pushing me and generally just being the lovely people I can’t do without. No matter who else I may have met this year, these are the ones that have always been constant and I never forget that.
Speaking of, I have met so many new people this year, and I’d like to count most of them as new friends that I will hopefully be able to stay in touch with for a long time yet. Roomies, flatmates and fellow interns, the mix is all good! There are some people here that have made me see different sides of myself, sides I wouldn’t have discovered before if I hadn’t been here and for that I am grateful as I think it has helped me a hell of a lot. To be able to really start afresh after years of being the loser is quite liberating! Although I guess writing down here all about it will just let them know, so I suppose that wasn’t the smartest thing to do! Ah well. You can’t escape your past, as it defines your future. Like the conversation I had the other day, ‘If you had to do it all over again, would you do it the same way?’. Well no, I wouldn’t. But I can’t change it and it got me to where I am just now, so I guess I can’t complain… to much anyway!
So that’s that. Start 2009 with a far healthier outlook. Be confident, be happy, be me.
Happy New Year everyone!
I took a look at the blog I wrote this time last year, and I was saying most of these things then too. Although I still had a way to go back then.
“2007 is over and done with... finally!! I have to say, I was looking forward to the New Year this time more than ever before. I think 2007 has been one of the suckiest periods of my life in some ways, and yet in others it has been fairly enlightening.I've experienced a hell of a lot of ups and downs this past year, and although a lot of the time was spent in the down category, I think it has made me really look inside myself and see who I am and what I want to do with my life. For most of my existence I have been this weak little push over, and I say this with utter certainty, who has only been interested in making sure that people like her and never got angry with her. And that person never really got very far in life. That person just got bullied, manipulated and messed about. A lot of that was my own fault, for letting it happen in the first place, and then letting it carry on, well into adulthood. I don't think I ever felt I had moved on since school, and this was just making me feel trapped in this vortex where I could see all of this going on, but couldn't change a thing. In reality I was perfectly capable of changing everything, but the underlying fear that this new person wouldn't be able to cut it stopped any transformation.”
Now for those that I have already spoken to about this, I know I have already admitted that I am still fairly messed up about it, but I want to take the giant leap and put it far, far behind me. Like one of those skipping stones you fling across a loch.. Bounce… bounce… bounce… bye bye!
“ I can't honestly say what it was that suddenly made me snap out of it. Something just cleared in my mind and I realised that I was already 22 and had done nothing in my life. I wasn't anyone that stood out or someone that anyone wanted to be like, and I certainly detested the meek little person that I had reverted to. I could count you a million times where my best friend bolstered me and told me that I was wonderful, but I think it takes the light inside of you to be switched on before you start to believe it yourself. So I guess 2007 was the year when I started to climb out from behind the mask I had created for myself and wipe the slate clean.
Can't say that I have made a fabulous job of it so far... had a few knock backs and some periods where I wondered what the point was. But for every one of those, there was something that kept me going. And this is where the awful mushy marshmallowy fluff bit comes in. But it’s true that the 3 people who have been there for me throughout my various blah moments and my truly scary ones are the people who are still here now. Without them my life would be much duller than it is and the world would be missing out on a whole bunch of wackiness!! I had forgotten how much fun it is to weird people out in public! So I know I have told you guys all this before, but I just wanted to say thanks again for being there through everything.”
Again most of that part is true. These people were still there for me, encouraging me, pushing me and generally just being the lovely people I can’t do without. No matter who else I may have met this year, these are the ones that have always been constant and I never forget that.
Speaking of, I have met so many new people this year, and I’d like to count most of them as new friends that I will hopefully be able to stay in touch with for a long time yet. Roomies, flatmates and fellow interns, the mix is all good! There are some people here that have made me see different sides of myself, sides I wouldn’t have discovered before if I hadn’t been here and for that I am grateful as I think it has helped me a hell of a lot. To be able to really start afresh after years of being the loser is quite liberating! Although I guess writing down here all about it will just let them know, so I suppose that wasn’t the smartest thing to do! Ah well. You can’t escape your past, as it defines your future. Like the conversation I had the other day, ‘If you had to do it all over again, would you do it the same way?’. Well no, I wouldn’t. But I can’t change it and it got me to where I am just now, so I guess I can’t complain… to much anyway!
So that’s that. Start 2009 with a far healthier outlook. Be confident, be happy, be me.
Happy New Year everyone!
Monday, December 22, 2008
For a pessamist I'm surprisingly optimistic...
I just read back over this for the first time in a while. And I see that I left this on an extremely negative note. So for anyone who was wondering if I had jumped off the nearest cliff in response to my little rant; I’m here. For the rest of you who didn’t care either way.. I’m still here. Despite the massive credit crunch that is now overshadowing most of the world, and in particular the American Financial Industry. Oh what a fine time to be working in a bank.
Suffice to say, I now have more to worry about than whether I like my job or not. Which luckily for me has now taken an upturn. My original manager has gone on sick leave and I have been moved to another department, which is completely different to what I was doing before hand. I find myself constantly busy, which is awesome, and it seems to have affected my confidence. I now love coming to work! Ok, that’s a slight exaggeration, but I seriously do enjoy it now compared to before, and the days are just flying past. I seem to have lost the knack of arriving promptly at 8.10 am with the drawing in of the chilly and dark mornings, so I am rolling up just before 9 now, but I am staying till 5.30, so I still can’t be told that I am slacking. But all in all, I am enjoying being in work these days, and it certainly has given me a different perspective.
Being busy keeps me occupied and it builds my confidence when I can juggle various different tasks at once and still manage to keep on top of things. I think this is what I needed all along, but hey, good things come to those who wait!
Other than work, I don’t suppose I have been up to too much.
November came and went almost without registering really. I went to see a Knicks game at Madison Square Gardens for a friend’s birthday, which was really good. The next day, I went to see the new Bond film, Quantum of Solace (loved it!) and then went ice-skating in Central Park with some mates. So I guess I have done the quintessential New York Christmassy thing now. Which is pleasing. What was less pleasing, and more painful, was falling face first onto the ice in front of this guy I had just met and was trying to impress. I think that did the trick. Whacked my knees off the ice and then slid out for a few feet, ensuring that my clothes were soaked. Which is a little chilly when you are on the ice. Luckily it was a unseasonably warm day and I didn’t end up with pneumonia. But my ego took a battering anyway. Right after we left, the rain started on, so we ended up at a friend’s flat to take shelter, ordering take out and watching movies in borrowed clothes until we dried out! Had so much fun that day though. Just a shame I seem to have messed up my knee again!
Not to self: Avoid Ikea boat trips and Ice Skating!! :)
Thanksgiving was the next big thing. I decided not to take any holidays and save them for Christmas instead. We were given the Thursday off, so I went into Manhattan to try and see the Macy’s Parade. Got there a little late and missed most of it, mainly due to being so short that I had issues trying to see over people’s heads to actually see the parade, even though the floats are huge!! Grumble. Managed to get some pictures, so it wasn’t a total loss. Had some lunch at a diner just off 34th street with some mates afterwards before they headed up to the Poconoe’s to stay in a cabin for the weekend. I went home, changed and headed to Brooklyn to have dinner. A new friend from my volunteer group invited me over to Williamsburgh, so we ended up having a fabulous time there. Lots of turkey, mulled wine and silly party games afterwards. Had to leave a little bit early as I had to be in work the next morning, which was a little difficult considering the amount of mulled wine I had managed to consume without noticing. Whoops.
My new manager let us leave work at 1pm the next day, so I went for lunch with a colleague on Manahattan before heading home. Ever the cool one, I managed to fall asleep for a few hours when I got in. Clearly having red meat and a beer at lunchtime can knock me for six. Sigh. Had a quiet weekend, got some much-needed sleep and attempted to catch up on my novel writing. Which was going particularly poorly. Have a new idea now so it has picked up a little! That’s not to say it is actually any good though!!
Once December hit, I realized that it was actually approaching Christmas and I had better do something about it. Put together some Christmas shopping one Saturday (Times Square and Macy’s on a Saturday, not to be underestimated!!!) and then managed to post it the next Monday. Cost me $40 to post a parcel home to my old work! I also organized some presents for my family, got them posted, and relied on good old Play.com and Snapfish for the rest of it!! At least they are getting something!! I also made a ton of Christmas cards, so they are in the post and sorted. So now I can sit back and only have to worry about getting my roommate something! Which I have a week to worry about!
My friend is coming out for 2 weeks over the Christmas period, which I absolutely cannot wait for. She will be here on Monday night, and I have managed to get some time off work to spend with her. So Christmas day will be spent in another flat, eating and getting boozy (don’t tell mum) and then we have booked Bryant Park Grill for New Year’s Eve. Cannae wait!!!
And now I have looked out the window and the big snow strorm that was promised has finally hit! Which may put the kibosh on the Christmas party I was supposed to go to in Brooklyn tonight. Hmmm…
Suffice to say, I now have more to worry about than whether I like my job or not. Which luckily for me has now taken an upturn. My original manager has gone on sick leave and I have been moved to another department, which is completely different to what I was doing before hand. I find myself constantly busy, which is awesome, and it seems to have affected my confidence. I now love coming to work! Ok, that’s a slight exaggeration, but I seriously do enjoy it now compared to before, and the days are just flying past. I seem to have lost the knack of arriving promptly at 8.10 am with the drawing in of the chilly and dark mornings, so I am rolling up just before 9 now, but I am staying till 5.30, so I still can’t be told that I am slacking. But all in all, I am enjoying being in work these days, and it certainly has given me a different perspective.
Being busy keeps me occupied and it builds my confidence when I can juggle various different tasks at once and still manage to keep on top of things. I think this is what I needed all along, but hey, good things come to those who wait!
Other than work, I don’t suppose I have been up to too much.
November came and went almost without registering really. I went to see a Knicks game at Madison Square Gardens for a friend’s birthday, which was really good. The next day, I went to see the new Bond film, Quantum of Solace (loved it!) and then went ice-skating in Central Park with some mates. So I guess I have done the quintessential New York Christmassy thing now. Which is pleasing. What was less pleasing, and more painful, was falling face first onto the ice in front of this guy I had just met and was trying to impress. I think that did the trick. Whacked my knees off the ice and then slid out for a few feet, ensuring that my clothes were soaked. Which is a little chilly when you are on the ice. Luckily it was a unseasonably warm day and I didn’t end up with pneumonia. But my ego took a battering anyway. Right after we left, the rain started on, so we ended up at a friend’s flat to take shelter, ordering take out and watching movies in borrowed clothes until we dried out! Had so much fun that day though. Just a shame I seem to have messed up my knee again!
Not to self: Avoid Ikea boat trips and Ice Skating!! :)
Thanksgiving was the next big thing. I decided not to take any holidays and save them for Christmas instead. We were given the Thursday off, so I went into Manhattan to try and see the Macy’s Parade. Got there a little late and missed most of it, mainly due to being so short that I had issues trying to see over people’s heads to actually see the parade, even though the floats are huge!! Grumble. Managed to get some pictures, so it wasn’t a total loss. Had some lunch at a diner just off 34th street with some mates afterwards before they headed up to the Poconoe’s to stay in a cabin for the weekend. I went home, changed and headed to Brooklyn to have dinner. A new friend from my volunteer group invited me over to Williamsburgh, so we ended up having a fabulous time there. Lots of turkey, mulled wine and silly party games afterwards. Had to leave a little bit early as I had to be in work the next morning, which was a little difficult considering the amount of mulled wine I had managed to consume without noticing. Whoops.
My new manager let us leave work at 1pm the next day, so I went for lunch with a colleague on Manahattan before heading home. Ever the cool one, I managed to fall asleep for a few hours when I got in. Clearly having red meat and a beer at lunchtime can knock me for six. Sigh. Had a quiet weekend, got some much-needed sleep and attempted to catch up on my novel writing. Which was going particularly poorly. Have a new idea now so it has picked up a little! That’s not to say it is actually any good though!!
Once December hit, I realized that it was actually approaching Christmas and I had better do something about it. Put together some Christmas shopping one Saturday (Times Square and Macy’s on a Saturday, not to be underestimated!!!) and then managed to post it the next Monday. Cost me $40 to post a parcel home to my old work! I also organized some presents for my family, got them posted, and relied on good old Play.com and Snapfish for the rest of it!! At least they are getting something!! I also made a ton of Christmas cards, so they are in the post and sorted. So now I can sit back and only have to worry about getting my roommate something! Which I have a week to worry about!
My friend is coming out for 2 weeks over the Christmas period, which I absolutely cannot wait for. She will be here on Monday night, and I have managed to get some time off work to spend with her. So Christmas day will be spent in another flat, eating and getting boozy (don’t tell mum) and then we have booked Bryant Park Grill for New Year’s Eve. Cannae wait!!!
And now I have looked out the window and the big snow strorm that was promised has finally hit! Which may put the kibosh on the Christmas party I was supposed to go to in Brooklyn tonight. Hmmm…
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Inadequacy
This is a horrible feeling. Sitting at my desk at work, experiencing a feeling of utter dread. It’s not a rational fear. Not at all. It’s a feeling I have created myself, and I hate myself for it. I’m afraid of being in work. I’m afraid of making myself look incompetent. I’m afraid of making myself look more incompetent than I already have. I’m afraid of being asked to do something that I can’t. I’m afraid of pissing someone senior off. I’m afraid of my phone ringing. I’m afraid of a question I don’t have the answer for. I’m afraid of answering the wrong thing, again. I’m afraid of leaving my desk incase the phone rings and they think I’m slacking because I’m not there. I’m afraid of taking my full lunch hour. I’m afraid of what they think of me. I’m afraid of being me.
Now at 23 years old, and having already spent a year in a multinational corporation when I was 19, along with 3 years in a customer facing role, dealing with all sorts of abuse, I shouldn’t be afraid. And yet here I am. Why is this, you ask? Intimidation. But not intentionally. I am not the most confident person in the world. I rarely exhibit my true self unless I am familiar with someone and I sense that they are not going to run away screaming. This happens rarely, as they tend to do it frequently. If I feel comfortable around people then I can let some of my personality out, and I become more confident in my duties, my thinking and myself. However, if I don’t feel confident, then it’s game over. I can’t regain it.
This is the situation here. Through a cultural difference I am struggling to display the skills and abilities that got me this job in the first place. I am competent, I am capable, and yet I have still to prove this to anyone in the office. Joining a new place of work is never easy, learning all the ropes is never easy, replacing a well loved employee is never easy and integrating yourself into a well established team dynamic is never easy. Joining a new place of work within 2 weeks notice is not easy, learning the ropes within 2 days handover is extremely difficult, replacing a fantastic, dedicated and loved employee is damn near impossible and integrating into the team is still a work in progress. This is not to say that there has not been an attempt on either side. I was welcomed to the team and allowances were made for me in the first few months. Working alongside another established team member was difficult as I tried to learn my duties without full instructions, and without encroaching on his standing in the team. I was the newbie, understood, but I wanted to be able to take over some of the tasks earlier on to get an understanding of them. This never really worked out.
Attempting to read people’s personalities and judge their moods is a bad habit of mine. I overreact and read into things too much. I will adjust my own attitude to match those of others if I think the situation calls for it. I spend my time trying to work out if the task I just carried out was actually acceptable or whether the person is just busy and doesn’t have time to react to me. I scurry up to desks and timidly ask if there is anything else I can do, so desperate to impress and show off what they haven’t seen yet. It’s not working. I screw up. Mistake after mistake after mistake. Lightning never strikes twice right? Wrong. I’m clearly wearing an electricity conductor, and am too slow to realize it. This just angers them. And quite rightly so. It should do. Hiring a candidate, turning down other possibly fantastic people in favor of me should pay off for them. I thought it would. I hung up the phone after my interview and felt confident. I went straight back to work, instructing my team on what needed done that day with regards to the window display. I reeled off to my manager all the tasks I had completed already that morning, and I took the Area manager on a tour through my customer service plan, which incidentally was the clincher for my acquiring this new role. So the question I put to you is as follows; why aren’t I performing to the same standard in this role?
Again. Intimidation. The cultural difference between the UK and the US in a corporate role is startling. Or maybe it is just my interpretation of it. Regardless. Personality is reined in here and a very reserved approach is adopted, masking people’s true personas. It is understandable to a certain degree. There is a time and place for professionalism, and the office is certainly one of them, but the degree to which this is maintained feels uncomfortably strict. Sitting in my cubicle, the occasional muted sounds of muffled conversations punctuate the silence that permeates the floor. Cloistered away in this cube, I am hidden from view, just as others are hidden from me. It is easy to forget that someone is even in the office when you can’t see him or her. Emails are the common use of communication, even when the person sits only feet away from you, making conversation even more limited and the silence even more profound. I don’t like it. Coming from an environment of open plan offices and latterly a face-to-face customer role, being hidden away doesn’t suit my personality. I may be a shy person to start with, but I think I thrive on interaction and communication. My original ideal of an office based managerial role is starting to lose its rose-tinted appeal. I have now begun to consider the opposite extreme. Something I hadn’t planned or studied for, and is likely to disappoint my parents.
I want to be successful. I look at immediate colleagues of the same age and background at myself and marvel at their ability to move up the ladder while I am still stewing at intern level. When I make mistakes, I remember that the telling off is coming from someone who is my own age and has accomplished so much more in the same time, and it smarts. This is my own doing, and I accept that. The plan was to complete this year and in the process rack up the experience, the skills and the capabilities, leading me to be in the same position as my colleague upon my return home. It is now six months in and my performance evaluation is saying otherwise. It felt like a kick to the gut when I received it, and yet I wasn’t expecting any different. This was a new experience for me as I have never had a negative review at work. True my first management level review at my last job was less impressive than the one 6 months before, but I was moving into a more senior position and I was grappling with the management issues. This soon improved and I became comfortable, gaining praise from the same people who offered me the constructive criticism earlier on. I got better. Something I seem to be incapable of doing here.
Reading back over this, it appears that I am on a blaming my colleagues for my poor performance and that I hold them accountable. Not so. They have been nothing but welcoming and accommodating to me as well as being supportive in recognition that I am living miles away from home and family as well as trying to fit into a new job. I am aware that I have a far less pressurized job than many interns have, in fact far less pressurized than I have already dealt with in the past, and yet I appear to be unable to cope. My attention to detail wavers and then dies miserably, my usual foresight eludes me and I wander straight into disaster, my quick thinking never quite revs out of neutral. The blame is purely on me, and I can’t quite figure out why. My only idea is that this environment is just not conducive for me. For all my ramblings about wanting to be a qualified professional and running a company, maybe the corporate world is just not for me. Maybe all the power suits and classy heels are just window dressing. Or perhaps I just don’t suit this particular department in this particular company at this particular time. Which is disappointing for me, and sure as hell is disappointing for the people who hired me. I don’t want to let them down; in fact, there is another thing I am afraid of. Letting them down and making them feel that they wasted their time with me. I can’t quite judge their perceptions, but my overriding feeling tells me that they are already at that point.
I received an impromptu, unofficial performance review from a fellow intern before their leave-taking that really shook me to my core. Identifying points in time where I thought I was starting to excel but in reality I was beginning to dig a hole for myself, letting me know passing comments about my performance that were less than favorable and warning me that to carry on down this path would ultimately lead to failure or in worst case, removal from my position. Having been relatively blind to all this before, the overwhelming urge to both break down into tears and also argue all the points he made, were first and foremost in my mind. Sensing that, he let me know that he was only doing this as a benefit to myself and that by becoming self-defensive I was only making things worse. I was appreciative of the insights, and even though I was devastated by his portrayal of me, as seen through my seniors’ eyes, I understood that it was for my own good. Naturally being unable to quickly complete a simple task given to me that afternoon by my supervisor sent me into tearful meltdown and caused her to question what on earth was wrong with me. I declined to explain, as I just wanted to forget the incident. Calling home that night made me feel like I had fallen short again of the targets I had set myself. Having to call my parents three thousand miles away to sniffle out my story made me want to scream. I thought I was past this; I should be past this. For a while things recovered my confidence resumed, but I feel like I am back to square one again. Especially after receiving my review.
I have come to the conclusion that maybe all my grand plans about moving to America to work may not come to fruition after all. I may just be more suited to the British work atmosphere. I recently attended an interview for a position upon returning home, and immediately clicked with my interviewer. The relief I felt at being able to discuss issues on a professional level, and yet still have a certain je ne sais qoi about it that made it entirely comfortable, was immense. I don't know if I am just the type of person that doesn’t conform easily, perhaps that is something that I will need to work on. Either that or have a big bowl of confidence flakes before I come to work in the morning.
This may seem to be my usual pessimism coming through again, especially after such a promising start, but I honestly don’t know how to shake it this time. Funny how writing everything down always makes me feel better, and yet I can say all the things that I am otherwise too afraid to say out loud to people. I have the opportunity of a lifetime here, and I had intended to make the most of it. Outside of work I love it, I love everything about New York, but on Friday’s I run screaming from the office. I want it to change, and I know that the only person who is capable of making that happen is me, so I guess I had better get a start on it. I guess I need a swift kick up the butt before this whole thing comes back to bite me on it!
Now at 23 years old, and having already spent a year in a multinational corporation when I was 19, along with 3 years in a customer facing role, dealing with all sorts of abuse, I shouldn’t be afraid. And yet here I am. Why is this, you ask? Intimidation. But not intentionally. I am not the most confident person in the world. I rarely exhibit my true self unless I am familiar with someone and I sense that they are not going to run away screaming. This happens rarely, as they tend to do it frequently. If I feel comfortable around people then I can let some of my personality out, and I become more confident in my duties, my thinking and myself. However, if I don’t feel confident, then it’s game over. I can’t regain it.
This is the situation here. Through a cultural difference I am struggling to display the skills and abilities that got me this job in the first place. I am competent, I am capable, and yet I have still to prove this to anyone in the office. Joining a new place of work is never easy, learning all the ropes is never easy, replacing a well loved employee is never easy and integrating yourself into a well established team dynamic is never easy. Joining a new place of work within 2 weeks notice is not easy, learning the ropes within 2 days handover is extremely difficult, replacing a fantastic, dedicated and loved employee is damn near impossible and integrating into the team is still a work in progress. This is not to say that there has not been an attempt on either side. I was welcomed to the team and allowances were made for me in the first few months. Working alongside another established team member was difficult as I tried to learn my duties without full instructions, and without encroaching on his standing in the team. I was the newbie, understood, but I wanted to be able to take over some of the tasks earlier on to get an understanding of them. This never really worked out.
Attempting to read people’s personalities and judge their moods is a bad habit of mine. I overreact and read into things too much. I will adjust my own attitude to match those of others if I think the situation calls for it. I spend my time trying to work out if the task I just carried out was actually acceptable or whether the person is just busy and doesn’t have time to react to me. I scurry up to desks and timidly ask if there is anything else I can do, so desperate to impress and show off what they haven’t seen yet. It’s not working. I screw up. Mistake after mistake after mistake. Lightning never strikes twice right? Wrong. I’m clearly wearing an electricity conductor, and am too slow to realize it. This just angers them. And quite rightly so. It should do. Hiring a candidate, turning down other possibly fantastic people in favor of me should pay off for them. I thought it would. I hung up the phone after my interview and felt confident. I went straight back to work, instructing my team on what needed done that day with regards to the window display. I reeled off to my manager all the tasks I had completed already that morning, and I took the Area manager on a tour through my customer service plan, which incidentally was the clincher for my acquiring this new role. So the question I put to you is as follows; why aren’t I performing to the same standard in this role?
Again. Intimidation. The cultural difference between the UK and the US in a corporate role is startling. Or maybe it is just my interpretation of it. Regardless. Personality is reined in here and a very reserved approach is adopted, masking people’s true personas. It is understandable to a certain degree. There is a time and place for professionalism, and the office is certainly one of them, but the degree to which this is maintained feels uncomfortably strict. Sitting in my cubicle, the occasional muted sounds of muffled conversations punctuate the silence that permeates the floor. Cloistered away in this cube, I am hidden from view, just as others are hidden from me. It is easy to forget that someone is even in the office when you can’t see him or her. Emails are the common use of communication, even when the person sits only feet away from you, making conversation even more limited and the silence even more profound. I don’t like it. Coming from an environment of open plan offices and latterly a face-to-face customer role, being hidden away doesn’t suit my personality. I may be a shy person to start with, but I think I thrive on interaction and communication. My original ideal of an office based managerial role is starting to lose its rose-tinted appeal. I have now begun to consider the opposite extreme. Something I hadn’t planned or studied for, and is likely to disappoint my parents.
I want to be successful. I look at immediate colleagues of the same age and background at myself and marvel at their ability to move up the ladder while I am still stewing at intern level. When I make mistakes, I remember that the telling off is coming from someone who is my own age and has accomplished so much more in the same time, and it smarts. This is my own doing, and I accept that. The plan was to complete this year and in the process rack up the experience, the skills and the capabilities, leading me to be in the same position as my colleague upon my return home. It is now six months in and my performance evaluation is saying otherwise. It felt like a kick to the gut when I received it, and yet I wasn’t expecting any different. This was a new experience for me as I have never had a negative review at work. True my first management level review at my last job was less impressive than the one 6 months before, but I was moving into a more senior position and I was grappling with the management issues. This soon improved and I became comfortable, gaining praise from the same people who offered me the constructive criticism earlier on. I got better. Something I seem to be incapable of doing here.
Reading back over this, it appears that I am on a blaming my colleagues for my poor performance and that I hold them accountable. Not so. They have been nothing but welcoming and accommodating to me as well as being supportive in recognition that I am living miles away from home and family as well as trying to fit into a new job. I am aware that I have a far less pressurized job than many interns have, in fact far less pressurized than I have already dealt with in the past, and yet I appear to be unable to cope. My attention to detail wavers and then dies miserably, my usual foresight eludes me and I wander straight into disaster, my quick thinking never quite revs out of neutral. The blame is purely on me, and I can’t quite figure out why. My only idea is that this environment is just not conducive for me. For all my ramblings about wanting to be a qualified professional and running a company, maybe the corporate world is just not for me. Maybe all the power suits and classy heels are just window dressing. Or perhaps I just don’t suit this particular department in this particular company at this particular time. Which is disappointing for me, and sure as hell is disappointing for the people who hired me. I don’t want to let them down; in fact, there is another thing I am afraid of. Letting them down and making them feel that they wasted their time with me. I can’t quite judge their perceptions, but my overriding feeling tells me that they are already at that point.
I received an impromptu, unofficial performance review from a fellow intern before their leave-taking that really shook me to my core. Identifying points in time where I thought I was starting to excel but in reality I was beginning to dig a hole for myself, letting me know passing comments about my performance that were less than favorable and warning me that to carry on down this path would ultimately lead to failure or in worst case, removal from my position. Having been relatively blind to all this before, the overwhelming urge to both break down into tears and also argue all the points he made, were first and foremost in my mind. Sensing that, he let me know that he was only doing this as a benefit to myself and that by becoming self-defensive I was only making things worse. I was appreciative of the insights, and even though I was devastated by his portrayal of me, as seen through my seniors’ eyes, I understood that it was for my own good. Naturally being unable to quickly complete a simple task given to me that afternoon by my supervisor sent me into tearful meltdown and caused her to question what on earth was wrong with me. I declined to explain, as I just wanted to forget the incident. Calling home that night made me feel like I had fallen short again of the targets I had set myself. Having to call my parents three thousand miles away to sniffle out my story made me want to scream. I thought I was past this; I should be past this. For a while things recovered my confidence resumed, but I feel like I am back to square one again. Especially after receiving my review.
I have come to the conclusion that maybe all my grand plans about moving to America to work may not come to fruition after all. I may just be more suited to the British work atmosphere. I recently attended an interview for a position upon returning home, and immediately clicked with my interviewer. The relief I felt at being able to discuss issues on a professional level, and yet still have a certain je ne sais qoi about it that made it entirely comfortable, was immense. I don't know if I am just the type of person that doesn’t conform easily, perhaps that is something that I will need to work on. Either that or have a big bowl of confidence flakes before I come to work in the morning.
This may seem to be my usual pessimism coming through again, especially after such a promising start, but I honestly don’t know how to shake it this time. Funny how writing everything down always makes me feel better, and yet I can say all the things that I am otherwise too afraid to say out loud to people. I have the opportunity of a lifetime here, and I had intended to make the most of it. Outside of work I love it, I love everything about New York, but on Friday’s I run screaming from the office. I want it to change, and I know that the only person who is capable of making that happen is me, so I guess I had better get a start on it. I guess I need a swift kick up the butt before this whole thing comes back to bite me on it!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Confessions of a disgruntled jeweller...part 2
"Do you stock wedding rings?"
"Yes we do. Would you like to see some out the window?"
- Much trying on , umming and decisions later -
"Now let's work out your size..Ok you are a size J, it's pretty small, but according to the system we can order if for you in only 4 days!"
"Order? We are getting married tomorrow. Do you not keep it in stock?"
"No, we only keep one of each ring in stock, and we have to order the rest in, especially in that small a size."
"That's ridiculous! Call yourselves a jeweller! Were never coming back in here again!"
*stalks off*
"Thank you!! Have a nice day to you too sir!!"
*Runs in back of store*
"What does he think this is?? A warehouse? If we had every single ring in this store in every size then we would be the size of fricking Macro!! And need a gazillion security guards!! He's crazy!! Why do they do this to me?? Aaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!"
*Takes in startled expressions of colleagues*
"Ok, I'm done. Sorry."
"Good morning sir, can I help you look for something in particular?"
"Yes we do. Would you like to see some out the window?"
- Much trying on , umming and decisions later -
"Now let's work out your size..Ok you are a size J, it's pretty small, but according to the system we can order if for you in only 4 days!"
"Order? We are getting married tomorrow. Do you not keep it in stock?"
"No, we only keep one of each ring in stock, and we have to order the rest in, especially in that small a size."
"That's ridiculous! Call yourselves a jeweller! Were never coming back in here again!"
*stalks off*
"Thank you!! Have a nice day to you too sir!!"
*Runs in back of store*
"What does he think this is?? A warehouse? If we had every single ring in this store in every size then we would be the size of fricking Macro!! And need a gazillion security guards!! He's crazy!! Why do they do this to me?? Aaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!"
*Takes in startled expressions of colleagues*
"Ok, I'm done. Sorry."
"Good morning sir, can I help you look for something in particular?"
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Jeely Piece Song
If you've ever watched The Singing Kettle, you'll remember this yin!
****
I'm a skyscraper wean, I live on the nineteenth flair,
An' I'm no gaun oot tae play ony mair,'
Cause since we moved tae Gracemount I'm wasting away,'
Cause I'm getting one less meal everyday.
Chorus
Oh, yae cannae fling pieces oot a twenty storey flat,
Seven hundred hungry weans 'ill testify tae that,
If it's butter, cheese or jeely, if the breid is plain or pan,
The odds against it reaching earth are ninety-nine tae wan.
On the first day ma maw flung oot a daud o' Hovis broon,
It came skytin' oot the widae and went up instead o' doon,
Noo every twenty-seven hoors it comes back intae sight,
'Cause my piece went intae orbit and became a satellite.
Chorus
On the second day ma maw flung me oot a piece again,
It went an' hit the pilot of a fast low flying plane,
He scraped it aff his goggles, shouting through the intercom'
"The Portybelly Reds have got me wi' a breid an' jeely bomb".
Chorus
On the third day ma maw thought she'd try another throw,
The Salvation Army band was standin' doon below,
"Onward Christian Soldiers" was the piece they should have played,
But the oompah man was playing on ma piece and marmalade.
Chorus
So we've wrote away tae Oxfam tae try an' get some aid,
An' a' the weans in Gracemount have formed a piece brigade,
We're gonnae march on the City Chambers demanding civil rights,
Like nae mair hooses ower piece-flinging heights.
Chorus
****
I'm a skyscraper wean, I live on the nineteenth flair,
An' I'm no gaun oot tae play ony mair,'
Cause since we moved tae Gracemount I'm wasting away,'
Cause I'm getting one less meal everyday.
Chorus
Oh, yae cannae fling pieces oot a twenty storey flat,
Seven hundred hungry weans 'ill testify tae that,
If it's butter, cheese or jeely, if the breid is plain or pan,
The odds against it reaching earth are ninety-nine tae wan.
On the first day ma maw flung oot a daud o' Hovis broon,
It came skytin' oot the widae and went up instead o' doon,
Noo every twenty-seven hoors it comes back intae sight,
'Cause my piece went intae orbit and became a satellite.
Chorus
On the second day ma maw flung me oot a piece again,
It went an' hit the pilot of a fast low flying plane,
He scraped it aff his goggles, shouting through the intercom'
"The Portybelly Reds have got me wi' a breid an' jeely bomb".
Chorus
On the third day ma maw thought she'd try another throw,
The Salvation Army band was standin' doon below,
"Onward Christian Soldiers" was the piece they should have played,
But the oompah man was playing on ma piece and marmalade.
Chorus
So we've wrote away tae Oxfam tae try an' get some aid,
An' a' the weans in Gracemount have formed a piece brigade,
We're gonnae march on the City Chambers demanding civil rights,
Like nae mair hooses ower piece-flinging heights.
Chorus
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
21 reasons to date a horseback rider...
1) We have 4 speeds and many positions
2) We wear tight pants and tall boots
3) We love getting dirty
4) We know how to ride our mounts
5)We perform well with animals
6) We like to be in control
7) We’ll ride it for hours
8) We know how to handle a big girth
9) We get off easy
10) We're always on top
11) We like it rough
12) We have our legs spread all day long
13) We love using whips
14) Straddling is our natural position
15) We don't mind being bucked around
16) Event riders do it for three days
17) We can ride standing or sitting
18) We wear leather chaps everyday
19) We think the fast ones are the most fun
20) We're used to having hands between our legs
21) If we fall off we get back on and ride harder
P.S. Have you seen the posting trot???!!!
I'm feeling a little bit in pain from my riding lesson the other day, my body hates me after not having to use those muscles for 5 months. So I was looking for something to make me feel better!
2) We wear tight pants and tall boots
3) We love getting dirty
4) We know how to ride our mounts
5)We perform well with animals
6) We like to be in control
7) We’ll ride it for hours
8) We know how to handle a big girth
9) We get off easy
10) We're always on top
11) We like it rough
12) We have our legs spread all day long
13) We love using whips
14) Straddling is our natural position
15) We don't mind being bucked around
16) Event riders do it for three days
17) We can ride standing or sitting
18) We wear leather chaps everyday
19) We think the fast ones are the most fun
20) We're used to having hands between our legs
21) If we fall off we get back on and ride harder
P.S. Have you seen the posting trot???!!!
I'm feeling a little bit in pain from my riding lesson the other day, my body hates me after not having to use those muscles for 5 months. So I was looking for something to make me feel better!
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