Friday, August 29, 2008

Be careful what you wish for...

It’s amazing how fickle the human id can be. Are we inherently greedy? Always wanting what we can’t have? Arms outstretched, fingers grazing the shiny specter of ‘what we can’t have’. And then for some of us, the lottery jackpot of life is won. The sparkly tempting jewel that has hung enticingly in front of you, encompassing all that is different to your hum-drum everyday life, slides neatly into your sticky paws.

All is wonderful, you gloat, you enjoy, you look back on the life that was once yours and you wonder how you ever managed. Then suddenly, it loses the sheen. The inner child whines out that it doesn’t want the new and sparkly anymore. It wants the worn familiarity of old. Logic attempts to overrule, arguing that the inner child should be grateful for this exciting opportunity and if it doesn’t shut up it’s gonnae get a skelp. But like any disobedient child, the inner wean keeps whinging.

Ok, so maybe you have now grasped the idea that I may be a tad homesick. Or a lot. And yes, I should stop whining. For how long have I said that I want to come to the states to live? Oh…how about since ever? Yeah. Which is why I feel like I am being an ungratelful little kid, but saying that I now want to go home. Not leave NY completely, just go home for a visit.

I seem to have an overwhelming urge to get into my wee car and pootle about the back roads to Kilmacolm or Bridge of Weir, trying to see if I am brave enough to take the corners at more than 10mph. I want to be able to drive down to the Esplanade and buy myself an ice cream from the wee shop. Braehead for some reason is calling out to me. Considering I have spent almost 5 years of the last 6 of my working life in there, you would think that I would be quite glad to get oot of there! But the id doesn’t seem to comprehend that. Stupid inner child.

As well as the cravings for the random places, like the Tesco superstore in Port Glasgow (why?) or even Asda in Linwood…(I am sensing a theme with the shops here – buying things is my vice, and food is always a bonus… I think a therapist would have a field day with me), but it is mainly the people I am craving. Me mum, dad, gran & grandpa, family who I used to see on a semi regular basis. But not having seen any of them for 4 months is quite hard. Ok so I have had my Wee Brother out for a visit, and that was brilliant, and Souxie and MacV came out too, which merely made me feel like I had transplanted Glasgow into NY and causing me no end of grief when they departed, eased the longing for a short while, but it's now back at full power.

I think I just want to go home for a few days, just to re-charge my Scottish self and re-connect with everything at home. Reassure myself that I have not changed that much, but at the same time changed enough. Does that make any sense?

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