Boab and Tam, a pair o' weegies, are in the pub.
Boab says tae Tam - 'Hey ho, whitdayaethinkomanewshoes'
Tam says 'fair gallus right enough but how come ye've no finished tying yer laces.'
'Naw naw' says Boab, ''I'm following the instruction oan ra bottom'
'Whits that?' says Tam,
Boab lifts his shoe to show him "Taiwan"
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
The local train stopped at a station long enough for the passengers to stretch their legs.Sniffing the pure, clean air with appreciation, a passenger said to the guard: ‘Invigorating, isn’t it?’
‘No,’ he replied. ‘Inverurie.’
Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a Glasgow hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient and he replies:"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused (very easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. He replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering prattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative -
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair."Comfy?" asks the dentist."Govan," she replies.
You know your Scottish when....
You can say drunk in a thousand ways, here's just a few: badgered, bladdered, bleezin', blootered, hawf-cut, cabbaged, guttered, hammered, lashed, leathered, mangled, minced, rubbered, wellied, reekin', banjaxed, stocious, mingin', pished as a fart etc..
You see crazy placenames. For example: Kilmahog, Buckie, Auchenshuggle, Auchtermuchty, Alves, Ballachulish, Ecclefechan, Kirkcudbright and Lairig Grhu. Loch Lochy and Loch Oich also deserves a mention. But best of all: Loch Drunkie.. . . .
You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent. E.g.
Weegie: "Awright pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Record, cheers, magic pal"
Fifer: "Aye, that wifie is getting it oan wi a laddie fae the butchers"
Dundonian: "Twa bridies, a plen ane in an ingin ane an a"
Aberdonian: "Furryboots are ye fae?, fair few quines in the night eh?"
Invernesian: "Ah-ee, Right Enufff! "How's you keeeeeepeeeen?". . . . . . . .
You are mentally prepared on bus/train for some neds to start blasting shit happy hardcore tunes from their little mobiles "Boom, Boom, (chipmunk) "When I was young and life was so wonderful (Boom) (Boom)". ....
You know ye cannae fling pieces oot a twenty storey flat, seven hundred hungry weans'll testify, to that. If it's butter, cheese or jeely, if the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are ninety-nine tae wan. .
You watch Scotland lose and take it on the chin, applaud the world champions and move on with a wee drinkie and a sense of perspective rather than the English approach of getting yir arse skelped by a tiny team then greeting like a bunch of weans for weeks all over the TV.
You can properly pronounce the following:
Kirkcaldy, St.Enoch, Sauchiehall, Auchinairn and AwFurF*cksSake....
I miss home!!!