Thursday, January 8, 2009

I don't get it... I really don't.

I seem to have had this shirt I am wearing for work today far to close to the wee smelly hangy thing in the closet and everytime i move an inch I get a whiff of cinnamonny appleness. Which may account for my constant hunger today. No chocolate or cookies all day! Woot!

Ok so you may have seen on my blogroll there is a link to the site 'The Amazing Adventures of DietGirl' which is written by a lovely woman called Shauna Reid. She is originally from Australia and is currently living in Edinburgh (which I will forgive her for not being Glasgow because it is still in Scotland). She used to weigh twice her body weight and has spent the last 6 years slimming her way down to a size 12. And she looks absolutely fan-flippin-tastic. I've read through most of her archives at one point and I keep up to date with her regular posts. It is quite inspiring to read about how she managed to lose the weight and how she keeps it off. She talks about how you can be all gung-ho one minute and the next you can't be arsed getting off the couch to do any exercise. Which appears to be my main downfall. I have said for the last few months that I was going to lose some weight, but it just hasn't happened. I did manage a good stint of going to the gym at least 3 times a week for 3 weeks for about an hour or so at a time. Which for me is pretty impressive. But I didn't see any immediate results.. well no! Of course not! But this is my problem, I want to see the difference immediatly or I give up and decide that there is no point in it all. Sigh.. which is why I am such a lump now.

Although I was going through one of her posts and she had uploaded some pictures showing her when she was out hillwalking with her husband. She put a note saying that the lumpy part on her stomach was in fact the rumpled waistband on her trews and not a roll of fat. I had to look VERY hard to even see this. She looked so thin! And then there is one further on with her sitting beside her husband when he is holding her friend's baby, she looks possibly fragile! But yet she still talks about how she gets random attacks of 'fat-fear' and feels she still has more to lose.

Mixed in with this though, is the realisation that she does look damn good, and she is happy with her body. Now this happens to me too, I can look in the mirror one day, and be like 'oooh, I'm not that bad, I actually look quite foxy' (see below) and then the next I will be moaning about the state of my body and want to go hide under my giant fluffy blanket and sweatpants. I think we all suffer from body dismorphia at some point, we never know if we look good enough for ourselves, we just continue to torture ourselves to try and fit the 'perfect ideal'. Stupid media.

My friend came out to spend Christmas with me, and I had forgotten just how good she looks and how damn skinny she is!! And I mean skinny in the slender, clothes hang properly and she looks frickin amazing in all outfits, way. I on the other hand are the lumpy dumpy companion. Which is why when we were out one night in a bar, the Steven Lynch song, 'Big Fat Friend' kept running through my head. hehe. Which just made me want to go up to guys who were eyeing her up and ask 'so who's your non-discriminating friend then, cos here I am!?'. Which probably noone would have got the reference for, but hey. I guess I hadn't really been paying proper attention to just how much I was letting myself go since I got here. I wasn't skinny by any means when we arrived, but I certainly was at least 1 or 2 sizes smaller, and I felt a lot happier about my appearance. I don't suppose you could ever describe me as confident, but I look back at pictures and think, damn it! Why couldn't I have appreciated that a little more! Grrr.

Again with the conflicting feelings as here comes the *shock**horror* revelation that some guys do actually find me attractive at this point. Although I suppose I could put that down to beer goggles, but I will attempt to plump my battered ego just a tiny bit and pretend it's not that. When we were in the bar on that first night, I got a phone number! Admittedly it was from a Brooklyn guy who told me he was a professional dancer turned cage-fighter, which makes me lean towards the beer goggles thing again, but it was still interest!

The next time we went out, my friend went to the bathroom, and every time she came back, there was a different guy sitting opposite me. 3 times! Which I couldn't quite understand, as I had finished the pitcher of beer, so they clearly weren't coming mooching for a free drink. So I ended up with a business card (lawyer no less) and some more interest. If I hadn't been so cross-eyed I would have been rolling them. Me? Apparently so. Hmm... this is a new development that I will have to witness a few more times before I believe it quite frankly. I am not the sort that attracts guys, I'm the wing-girl. I crack the stupid jokes, or mumble incoherently (yes, there was a waiter that was sooo hot that I failed to string a sentence together for the entire meal. SHAME!), or feels awkwardly defensive when I get a compliment, ending up with me frightening them away. So this has me in confuddlement. Oh well, perhaps it was just the bolster of having my best mate there to make me feel better that worked, so I guess the next 4 months will be just as empty as the first 8!! :)

And so the new year dawns and the weight loss attempts begin again. And no. It's not a New Years Resolution, because I just forget about them and then I never stick to them. This is just going to have to be a new way of life. Less cookies, chocolate and fatty dinners. Healthy grub and plenty of water, interspersed with regular visits to the gym or runs round the marina. Maybe I wil improve my body a little to make me happy, or maybe I will just feel better about myself in general when I can run a few laps without getting puggled.

Guess we'll see.

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