Saturday, January 3, 2009

New Year, New You....

2009…. What can I say? If I thought 2008 was going to be the year of new beginnings, then I guess 2009 is the year of maintenance. I’ve made some big steps and I’ve taken some very little slides backwards. I just need to make sure that I stay put this time. No more skiting back to the depths of despair or the puddle of discontentment should I say. I’m far happier than I have been in a long, long time and I intend to keep it that way. There are many factors contributing to this, but I know there is one main one that has been hanging over me for too long and I’m working my very best to banish it.

I took a look at the blog I wrote this time last year, and I was saying most of these things then too. Although I still had a way to go back then.

“2007 is over and done with... finally!! I have to say, I was looking forward to the New Year this time more than ever before. I think 2007 has been one of the suckiest periods of my life in some ways, and yet in others it has been fairly enlightening.I've experienced a hell of a lot of ups and downs this past year, and although a lot of the time was spent in the down category, I think it has made me really look inside myself and see who I am and what I want to do with my life. For most of my existence I have been this weak little push over, and I say this with utter certainty, who has only been interested in making sure that people like her and never got angry with her. And that person never really got very far in life. That person just got bullied, manipulated and messed about. A lot of that was my own fault, for letting it happen in the first place, and then letting it carry on, well into adulthood. I don't think I ever felt I had moved on since school, and this was just making me feel trapped in this vortex where I could see all of this going on, but couldn't change a thing. In reality I was perfectly capable of changing everything, but the underlying fear that this new person wouldn't be able to cut it stopped any transformation.”

Now for those that I have already spoken to about this, I know I have already admitted that I am still fairly messed up about it, but I want to take the giant leap and put it far, far behind me. Like one of those skipping stones you fling across a loch.. Bounce… bounce… bounce… bye bye!

“ I can't honestly say what it was that suddenly made me snap out of it. Something just cleared in my mind and I realised that I was already 22 and had done nothing in my life. I wasn't anyone that stood out or someone that anyone wanted to be like, and I certainly detested the meek little person that I had reverted to. I could count you a million times where my best friend bolstered me and told me that I was wonderful, but I think it takes the light inside of you to be switched on before you start to believe it yourself. So I guess 2007 was the year when I started to climb out from behind the mask I had created for myself and wipe the slate clean.

Can't say that I have made a fabulous job of it so far... had a few knock backs and some periods where I wondered what the point was. But for every one of those, there was something that kept me going. And this is where the awful mushy marshmallowy fluff bit comes in. But it’s true that the 3 people who have been there for me throughout my various blah moments and my truly scary ones are the people who are still here now. Without them my life would be much duller than it is and the world would be missing out on a whole bunch of wackiness!! I had forgotten how much fun it is to weird people out in public! So I know I have told you guys all this before, but I just wanted to say thanks again for being there through everything.”

Again most of that part is true. These people were still there for me, encouraging me, pushing me and generally just being the lovely people I can’t do without. No matter who else I may have met this year, these are the ones that have always been constant and I never forget that.

Speaking of, I have met so many new people this year, and I’d like to count most of them as new friends that I will hopefully be able to stay in touch with for a long time yet. Roomies, flatmates and fellow interns, the mix is all good! There are some people here that have made me see different sides of myself, sides I wouldn’t have discovered before if I hadn’t been here and for that I am grateful as I think it has helped me a hell of a lot. To be able to really start afresh after years of being the loser is quite liberating! Although I guess writing down here all about it will just let them know, so I suppose that wasn’t the smartest thing to do! Ah well. You can’t escape your past, as it defines your future. Like the conversation I had the other day, ‘If you had to do it all over again, would you do it the same way?’. Well no, I wouldn’t. But I can’t change it and it got me to where I am just now, so I guess I can’t complain… to much anyway!

So that’s that. Start 2009 with a far healthier outlook. Be confident, be happy, be me.

Happy New Year everyone!

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